


My Love Will Be In You

by monkiainen



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-24
Updated: 2011-10-24
Packaged: 2017-10-24 22:18:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/268487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/monkiainen/pseuds/monkiainen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Tissue warning, and you should take it seriously. Inspired by the most epic love song there is, Ghost Love Score by Nightwish. That song always gives me goosebumps when I'm listening to it. Go download the song, put it on your speakers and start reading. I cried when writing this because the song is just so emotional.</p>
    </blockquote>





	My Love Will Be In You

**Author's Note:**

> Tissue warning, and you should take it seriously. Inspired by the most epic love song there is, Ghost Love Score by Nightwish. That song always gives me goosebumps when I'm listening to it. Go download the song, put it on your speakers and start reading. I cried when writing this because the song is just so emotional.

When you have shared your life for 43 years with someone special, somewhere along the time that person becomes a necessity to you. You become two persons in one body, and no one else can truly understand the bond between you two. There have and always will be speculations about the nature of your relationship, but neither of you never denies or admits anything. You know the truth, and it’s all that counts.

Then one day you wake up and realise the other half of you is gone forever. All the comforting words the outsiders try to offer are meaningless, because no one, no one can understand how do you feel since the one who understood the best is no longer there. You keep listening the voicemail he left to your phone over and over again – it’s nothing important, just everyday things, but it’s his voice you want to hear because you miss hearing him talk to you. The voice on the message is older and deeper than it was the day you met, but you can still hear echoes from that very day in his voice. Sometimes you wander to his cupboard and pull out his favourite shirt, the one he always wore when it was just the two of you. The colour has faded and it looks god damn awful, but you only see the man you loved more than life itself, wearing that stupid shirt over and over again even though you’ve threatened to throw it away million times. And he just laughed, knowing full well you would never do so, and kissed you affectionately, murmuring “I love you, too, you old fool.” You bury yourself to his shirt, smelling it, because his scent still lingers there and oh god how you miss that familiar scent.

Every night when you go to sleep, you pray for all the gods known and unknown that you wouldn’t wake up the next morning. Because that’s how you both wanted it to be, that one morning neither of you would wake up, gone peacefully in your sleep in each other’s arms. But no matter how much you wish it to happen, you keep waking up to an empty bed and it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before.

It hurts to see all the hype around the new guys, because it automatically makes you think about the old days when you started it all and you met the other half of you. After all these years you still remember the first time you touched, the electric current that ran through your fingers straight to your spine permanently, and the deep voice accompanying the casual handshake you shared that day. Even more memorable is the night you first made love. It wasn’t just sex, it was the moment two become one in both body and soul - something you had never felt before, not even on your wedding night and it scared the shit out of you. But the fear was gone the moment you looked into him and saw the devotion you felt mirrored in his eyes. And from that moment on you just knew you were never going to alone again, not until the death did you apart.

You envy the new guys, just a bit, because they can fool around in the interviews like you couldn’t. They can say “I love you” or touch each other meaningfully, and everybody just thinks it’s cute. Bromance, they say, and yet they don’t see what’s right in front of them. You wish it would have been the same back in the days, because even though you were the Captain James fucking Kirk, even you couldn’t be forgiven if someone had caught you saying “I love you” to your half-Vulcan lover.

It hurts even more when there’s something funny or important or nostalgic on the TV, something you know he likes or dislikes the way you do, and for a fleeting moment you forget he’s not there anymore to share the moment with you. But then you turn around and see nothing but an empty spot where used to be one that knew you better than you do yourself, and it just hurts so fucking much.

Then comes the numbness when you realise you’re the only one left to this godforsaken planet and you’re going to die alone, for real this time. You curse all the gods you can think of for your faith, because you don’t know how to be alone, not after so many years together. “Only the good die young”, you think, so four days really is that big of a deal? But you know already it won’t be long because you’re nothing but a shell of yourself anymore. Everybody notices it, but nobody says a word, expect for Chris and Zach who visit you unannounced one night and just sit there with you, both of their arms wrapped around you tight and that’s when you let the tears fall for the first time. Afterwards you feel more determined than ever and your young guests know it too, when they leave hand in hand and tears in their eyes as they say their goodbyes to you the final time.

You’re 78 years old, so it’s only an unfortunate accident when you mix the sleeping pills with the muscle relaxants they described to you the days following the moment when one became two again and overdose – like that young Australian actor, they will say. And when you see him again, looking exactly the same like on the day you first met, you know you will never be alone again.


End file.
